Tuesday, April 10, 2012


Bunnies chowing down on the broccoli? Deer grazing on the beans? Raccoons plundering the corn? It could be much worse ladies and gentlemen, how would you deal with an indricotherium in the asparagus?

You could, of course, run out to the 'sparagus patch and swat it in the ass with a broom, it works (usually) with raccoons. But there are a few difficulties, even jumping high as you can you are unlikely to reach that ass, its a good fifteen feet in the air, and Indi is likely to eat the broom, if he notices it. And of course, if he notices you, you might get kicked into the middle of Main St, Morland, Kansas, not a fate to be wished upon anyone. (I've been to Morland)

Indricotherium runs biggish, for a varmint, a big one going 18 feet at the shoulder and able to reach its long neck up a full 26', stretching over 30' from its substantial rump to its ridiculous looking nose. Weight estimates vary from a rangy 20 tons to a beefy 30 tons, but whichever is closest to the truth, Indi can gobble a heap of kohlrabi.

But as we all know, there are control measures for garden pests!

Trap and relocate. 

Okay, we need a triple sized elephant cage with a spring loaded drop door, baited with a few apple and peach trees and perhaps a truck load of melons. Once the indricotherium is secured there remains the problem  of moving the cage --- ok, industrial crane and flatbed truck - and lowering the overhead wires etc. to make room for a critter who's head is now some thirty feet in the air. But the big problem is sneaking Indi into Mrs. Quackenbush's delphiniums for release before she catches you in the act.


Fence 'em out! Steel I-beams sunk into 8 feet of concrete with a web of re-bar as wire should do the trick, and make a nifty trellis for the cucumbers as well. Twenty feet tall should be enough - Indi isn't much of a hopper - and electrification might be a good idea. Should slow the deer up a bit too, there are side benefits after all!

Or you could sprinkle predator scents, like concentrated fox or coyote whiz around the perimeter of the garden and possibly terrify an animal that laughed at saber toothed cats into moving on. It might work! And it will make the predator pee distributors very happy!

Old CD discs suspended on strings...

Never mind.

Is there an upside to an indricotherium infestation? Well of course, every cloud has a silver lining. 

An indricotherium eats a prodigious amount of vegetable matter and peristalsis being what it is, this vast volume will inevitable emerge from the opposite end in the fullness of time.

Think of it, gardening enthusiasts! One good indricotherium dump and your compost requirements are a thing of the past! Location is everything, of course and the Indi's are unlikely to cooperate with your desires in that matter, so the compost heap is going to be located pretty much where you find it. (hopefully not on top of the pickup truck)

Well good luck to you, and remember, should you spot an indricothrium in your carrot patch be sure to call your local animal control officer, his response is certain to be a memorable one!

The A to Z Bloggery Challenge:


  1. I still think just turning them into bronto steaks is the best way to protect your garden.

  2. Ooh, Mike has the right idea...make a great barbeque! Mac, you are a nut, but a loveable one.

  3. Indi steaks, fresh sweet corn on the cob, a fresh termater, cucumber, chard and onion salad also from the plot? Who, with the possible exception of the indricotherium, would say no?

  4. Mike has the right idea. Tasty sounding, too! Yeah, Glory, great bbq indeed.

  5. See this is why we can't have any good species on this planet

  6. See this is why we can't have any good species on this planet