Sunday, January 25, 2015

The Depressurization of Tom Brady's Balls

Tom Brady's balls were firm and hard and thus difficult to clutch
He tried smearing them with sticky stuff, (it didn't help that much)
Tom did some research and he discovered, (Imagine his elation)
That he could grip his balls just right with just the right deflation

And when he gripped his balls just right he could throw them down the field
To all of his receivers wide, and force the foe to yield
But the NFL drew up a rule and it's enforcement strongly urge-ed
That balls may not be placed in play unless they're fully turgid.

Tom really tried to find a way to ease the pressure in his balls
And wandered through his rooms by day and nightly through his halls
He called upon the football Gods to drain his balls real good
But only his mate , a super model, heard (and misunderstood)

And so she lay in wait for Tom and did so not in vain
And each time Tommy hove in view his balls she'd truly drain
Now Tom's accused of cheating by football, not Gisele
And they may not even let him play; consigned to football hell

"Be careful what you wish for", I heard poor Tommy say
For with his balls so truly drained he's far too tired to play.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Trending to Vampirical!

Although it's scarcely plausible
I find my eyes are crossible
Her cocktail dress is gauzable
And that may be the causible

You won't see her at night
Or in brightest daylight
She can only be found in the gloam of twilight

She used to act sweet with me but now she's almost

Trending to vampirical
Trending to vampirical

Her habits are crepuscular
She's more-than-human muscular
It's impossible to hustle her
(But still it's fun to tussle her)

Her hair is flame red and she doesn't smell dead
And despite the sharp fangs she gives really good head
She's really quite a sight to see even though she's

Trending to vampirical
Trending to vampirical

She's so fine, there's no tellin' where my red cells went
She wants mine, it's transfusion time I know

Trending to vampirical!

Note, you can sing this if you've a mind to. Robert Palmers' "Simply Irresistible" might be a good place to start.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

The Beautiful Schnee

Schnee, schnee, beautiful schnee,
Stuck to each hedgerow and roof peak and tree,
It ain't goin' to stop 'til it's over my knee!
It's the schnee, the beautiful schnee.

Mister Weatherman I wonder, wouldst riddle me this?
And please answer promptly, before I get pissed
You foresaw, last report, only rain and some mist.
Now I'm up to my butt in wet schnee!

"Pardon me, poem writer, a question for thee!
We are looking at snow, yet you're calling it "schnee"?"
"I'll answer that question in manner laconic,
The word still means "snow" if your speech is Teutonic!" 

Schnee, schnee, bee-yoot-tee-ful schnee
I write my name in it when I need to pee
A skill set passed down from my father to me
Beware you don't eat yellow schnee!