Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Marvelous Magical Mystery Meat

Often times I ponder Spam
Is it fat? Or is it ham?
Squashed into a squarish can,
a metaphor for all I am.
When my relations seem ungrateful,
I consume it by the plateful.
straight from the can, with flying fork,
It makes me feel less of a dork.
Tho' my dorkly status has not changed,
I leave the table less deranged.
Gut swollen with a surfeit
of artery clogging luncheon meat
So keep your ice cream and your cocoa
when lifes disasters make me loco.
I fry and gulp six pounds of Spam,
and I no longer give a damn.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012


Just a reminder to all of you who are still attempting to function on the perfectly serviceable but admittedly outmoded English system of linear measurement or (fate forfend) have been bamboozled into using the most heinous "Metric" (pfaugh) scale I remind you that we are on the eminently workable Glory scale, and have been for some time. Can't find Glory measuring devices? Write your Congresscrote. (And remind him/her/confused while you are at it to formalize AMME)

We arrive at the various components of the Glory scale by measuring Glory from bowsprit to mizzenmast, as one would a prize trout. Arriving at 4' 11" we then, as friends are obligated to do, ignore the validity of our own measurements and adopt (against all evidence to the contrary) the absurdly over stretched figure of 5 ft. 1.5 inches English which Glory steadfastly claims as her height.

We then divide (not literally) the basic Glory into 60 individual units called "green thumbs" or "greenies" by the dull witted and US Senators.

60 green thumbs = 1 Glory   

12 green thumbs = 1 weeder


5 weeders = 1 Glory!

Note the marvelous simplicity of it all!

30 green thumbs = 1 semi-Glory, or,

2 1/2 weeders!

Now then, for the old odometer, we will require an ode

(only kidding)

who said "Thank God?"

1000 Glories = 1 gardener

5000 weeders - 1 gardener

as do

2000 semi - Glories

(A gardener therefore being 97% of an English mile or 5125 ft.)

Now then, just to be bastids we'll toss in two more arcane measurements, the "shorty", and the "Indricotherium", generally shortened to "Indi"

10 shorties = 1 Glory

5 shorties = 1 semi-Glory

There are 10,000 shorties in a gardener

5 Glories = 1 Indi

25 weeders = 1 Indi

There are 200 Indies in a gardener!

What could be simpler? Not a whole helluva lot I'm thinking. Stay tuned as we delve into weight, volume and units of time (Glory Daze!) Thrill to learn that 5 cubic Glories = 1 Hawgweed, and 5 english gallons = 1 Hawgshead. There will be a test so study the material!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Unable to Dye

Immersed in the depths of dark despair,
I ponder: What shade to dye my hair?
Red like April? Black like Cher?
Yellow’d; to match my underwear?
No that’s just silly!
But then, Slick Willy,
Adopted a salt and pepper shade.
It got him elected! It got him laid!
But I’ll eschew his precedent.
I’ve no wish to be President…
A festive blonde hue, I'd surely try it
If only I had hair, to dye it.
Of my once thick locks remains no follicle.
Not hank, nor wisp, nor strand, nor molecule.
No colors can the stylist bring,
Oh dyeing’s not an easy thing.

The preceding doggerel was ruthlessly stricken from Helium.coms website, violently excised from the pack of 108 tear jerking opus magni to the top of which (via their own rating system) it was relentlessly rising, like a turd in a swimming pool.

I pronounce you Humorless Nerd, vile Heliumite, and rest assured, I'll insert another where you least expect it.

Just like Prom night, hmmm?