Wednesday, May 23, 2012


Just a reminder to all of you who are still attempting to function on the perfectly serviceable but admittedly outmoded English system of linear measurement or (fate forfend) have been bamboozled into using the most heinous "Metric" (pfaugh) scale I remind you that we are on the eminently workable Glory scale, and have been for some time. Can't find Glory measuring devices? Write your Congresscrote. (And remind him/her/confused while you are at it to formalize AMME)

We arrive at the various components of the Glory scale by measuring Glory from bowsprit to mizzenmast, as one would a prize trout. Arriving at 4' 11" we then, as friends are obligated to do, ignore the validity of our own measurements and adopt (against all evidence to the contrary) the absurdly over stretched figure of 5 ft. 1.5 inches English which Glory steadfastly claims as her height.

We then divide (not literally) the basic Glory into 60 individual units called "green thumbs" or "greenies" by the dull witted and US Senators.

60 green thumbs = 1 Glory   

12 green thumbs = 1 weeder


5 weeders = 1 Glory!

Note the marvelous simplicity of it all!

30 green thumbs = 1 semi-Glory, or,

2 1/2 weeders!

Now then, for the old odometer, we will require an ode

(only kidding)

who said "Thank God?"

1000 Glories = 1 gardener

5000 weeders - 1 gardener

as do

2000 semi - Glories

(A gardener therefore being 97% of an English mile or 5125 ft.)

Now then, just to be bastids we'll toss in two more arcane measurements, the "shorty", and the "Indricotherium", generally shortened to "Indi"

10 shorties = 1 Glory

5 shorties = 1 semi-Glory

There are 10,000 shorties in a gardener

5 Glories = 1 Indi

25 weeders = 1 Indi

There are 200 Indies in a gardener!

What could be simpler? Not a whole helluva lot I'm thinking. Stay tuned as we delve into weight, volume and units of time (Glory Daze!) Thrill to learn that 5 cubic Glories = 1 Hawgweed, and 5 english gallons = 1 Hawgshead. There will be a test so study the material!


  1. the world of gardening, you will always find a few nuts...just saying. ;-)

  2. Mac, you're an amazing mathematician who just reinvented the whole sorry mess of measuring. Our new Glory measurement system is much better than inches, feet and yards. Weeders and greenies by the bushel are much handier out in the garden.

  3. Astounding that this man has any time to garden with all this floating about his head...I should talk.

  4. I have an entire herpatology department crawling around in my head and I can STILL plant a turnip with the best of 'em. By the way some of your cosmo seeds have sprouted!

  5. Yay! I hope you get some flowers. It'll do you good!

  6. Is this also the origin of the term "Morning Glory?"

  7. Morning Glories are early blooming vines which greet me by smiling and saying, "Morning, Glory!"

  8. This remains one of my favourite articles ":) The glorious Glory scale...