M IS FOR MAMMOTH

M is for mammoth, big as a barn,
with long woolly hair that's much warmer than yarn.
He's 15 feet tall from his toes to his head,
(much too big to keep in the gardening shed)
He's got really big tusks and he weighs 13 ton,
and he stomps on saber tooth tigers for fun.
He wandered the plains munching bushes and grass,
when a blizzard surprised him and froze his fat ass.
5000 years later when the weather was nice,
it thawed just a bit and he burst from the ice!

The scientists flocked round to skin and de-bone him,
with a bunch right behind who were hankerin' to clone him.
If the cloning succeeds and the Doc's have their way,
We'll be hip deep in mammoths the very next day!
Then us gardening folk can despair of our broccoli,
cause its tough enough dealing with crows by the flockly,
and raccoons by night, and woodchuck by day, 
and running 'round chasing Mizz Bunny away.
We all know for a fact that no chicken wire fence,
will keep out a mammoth. (they're just too immense)

The A to Z Bloggery Challenge:  http://www.a-to-zchallenge.com/

L IS FOR LAPUA

Or more accurately, for the .338 Lapua magnum cartridge and the various rifles which have been designed to fire it. If you haven't heard of it before the .338 magnum is one of the truest flying, hardest hitting, deadliest rifle rounds currently available for war or peace. And yet, for many years it was a cartridge in search of a rifle and a buyer.

Origins dated to 1982 when the US Military issued a request for a purpose built sniper rifle, not necessarily a cartridge. Lethality at 1000 yards was specified, but more was desired. As time passed neither existing rifles or ammunition would prove satisfactory. A Lapua ammunition manufacturer came up with the current cartridge, available in 250 and 300 grains, the downrange statistics are impressive.

A typical 250 grain round exits the barrel at 3000 feet per second, and with 4996 foot pounds of energy. At 1200 yards it is still moving at a respectable 1682 fps and packing 1741 of energy. High manufacturing standards and a super clean boat tail design make for remarkable accuracy. Fired from Accuracy Internationals AIAW purpose built bolt action rifle the .338 magnum is lethal to 1500 yards in the hands of a competent sniping team.

In 2008 British sniper Corporal Craig Harrison and his spotter pulled off an almost unbelievable shooting feat when, after 8 or 9 nine ranging shots on a two man Taliban machine gun team Harrison fired 3 rounds "on target". The first killed the gunner, the second killed the loader, and the third disabled the gun itself.

The range? A paltry 2700 yards. That is 1.54 miles, folks.

Almost all major manufacturers have jumped on the .338 band wagon and while the cartridge is an effective hunting round, it is too much gun for many commonly hunted species like white tailed deer. Faced with a polar bear or a cape buffalo on the other hand the brute force of the round can be mighty comforting.

The .338 also rules the long range competition shooting roost, even the famed Barret light, firing 50 calibre Browning machine gun ammo cannot match the precision of a good shooter wielding a .338 long gun.

Lapua is working on refining manufacturing techniques to make the .338 round even more accurate than it is today. Bad guys around the globe, take heed!

In fiction, the .338 AIAW is the long gun of choice for widely read, occasionally read, unknown action-thriller heroine Lacey Delacroix.

For the present and for the foreseeable future, in fact and in fiction, the partnership of the Lapua .338 magnum and precision long gun will be the ultimate option when you feel the need to reach out and touch someone.

The A to Z Bloggery Challenge:  http://www.a-to-zchallenge.com/

K IS FOR KOHLRABI



Kohlrabi! What did you do the first time you spotted a kohlrabi growing in a neighbor’s garden? Whack it with a shovel? Call NASA’s satellite recovery division? Dial 911?

Peculiar lookin’ spuds, are they not? But of course they are not spuds they are Brassicas, from the same sun loving genus that gives us broccoli, cabbage and collards. There are three slightly different varieties of kohlrabi (not just any ‘ol Robbie) generally available. These are small pale green typified by white Vienna, purple type, like purple Vienna, and Ginormous of which Kossack is the primary example.

White Vienna is probably the most common, an almost delicate pale green on the outside, pure white on the inside vegetable picked best when between tennis and baseball sized. It can be planted a few weeks before early frost for a crop that is ready about 45 days after germination, and again late in summer for a fall crop. Other than routine weeding and watering kohlrabi requires little attention. Pests generally seem to leave them alone.

The bulbs can be eaten any way that your imagination can concoct, including raw and as coleslaw.

Purple Vienna is similar in size and culture, takes a few days longer to mature, and has fewer leaves.

 

Kossack is much like White Vienna, but huge. Some Kossack specimens exceed ten lbs in weight. Contrary to what you might expect, they remain tender and juicy even at that size, so long as they get adequate water. Kossack grows best as a fall crop.

A close look reveals that the leaves of kohlrabis of all description closely resemble collard leaves. They also taste like them and are equally nutritious, and perfectly fine to eat.

As stated both white and purple Vienna ‘rabis are about baseball sized and if you quickly strip the leaves and tap root from them you are left with a 1 to 2 lb. missile that can be fired into the nose of an overly curious bear, causing much outraged wuflery and ursine retreat.

Usually.

So there you have it. An easy to grow veggie, packed with nutrition as are all the Brassicas and one which can be employed in the anti bear role. And that is why K is for kohlrabi! 

The A to Z Bloggery Challenge:  http://www.a-to-zchallenge.com/

J IS FOR JIMSON WEED

Not a bad looking plant at all, Jimson weed, standing sometimes as much as five feet tall and bearing attractive, trumpet shaped flowers in pleasant shades of white, cream and occasionally violet. These make a pleasing contrast to the large, serrated, soft textured and deep green leaves. Jimson weed can be found almost anywhere in the temperate world, and it's actual original range remains somewhat shrouded in mystery.

But Jimson weed is deceptive, it comes to us from the same family of annuals that also give us Mandrake, Deadly Nightshade and Henbane. It is itself highly toxic and is known by the unsettling nicknames Devils Trumpet, Hell's Bells and Locoweed. The correct scientific name is Datura Stramonium.

All parts of the Datura are toxic, with the most dangerous parts being the seeds and roots. The poisonous agents are alkaloids, including atropine, hyoscomine and scopolomine. As little as a half teaspoon of seeds has been known to cause death by cardiac arrest.

There are many incidents of datura poisoning in the United States, nearly 1000 in 2007 alone and fatalities do occur, since the folks ingesting it are usually doing so to cash in on the alkaloids hallucinogenic properties. These manifest in the form of delirium. When the results are not fatal the aftereffects my linger for 48 hours or more.

In one frequently cited case an entire detachment of British soldiers sent to Virginia to help quell Bacon's rebellion of 1675-76 were inadvertently incapacitated by datura. Knowing no better, these newcomers boiled the leaves as a vegetable dish and remained non compos mentis for 11 days, according to contemporary accounts.

The raw plant, while dangerous, has an unpleasant taste and while livestock may consume it, they will not normally do so if other fodder is plentiful. It is one of the few plants that poisons more humans than livestock. Occasionally it is consumed by accident, mistaken for something else or inadvertently packaged with other, similar appearing items. An outbreak of poisonings from Datura tainted tea occurred not that long ago, in one case felling a family of seven people.

Jimson flowers are attractive and the plant can be grown safely indoors if you know what it is that you have and can keep your pets away from it. Overall, it is probably better to avoid accidents by growing, say, begonias instead.

The A to Z Bloggery Challenge:  http://www.a-to-zchallenge.com/

I IS FOR INDRICOTHERIUM

Bunnies chowing down on the broccoli? Deer grazing on the beans? Raccoons plundering the corn? It could be much worse ladies and gentlemen, how would you deal with an indricotherium in the asparagus?

You could, of course, run out to the 'sparagus patch and swat it in the ass with a broom, it works (usually) with raccoons. But there are a few difficulties, even jumping high as you can you are unlikely to reach that ass, its a good fifteen feet in the air, and Indi is likely to eat the broom, if he notices it. And of course, if he notices you, you might get kicked into the middle of Main St, Morland, Kansas, not a fate to be wished upon anyone. (I've been to Morland)

Indricotherium runs biggish, for a varmint, a big one going 18 feet at the shoulder and able to reach its long neck up a full 26', stretching over 30' from its substantial rump to its ridiculous looking nose. Weight estimates vary from a rangy 20 tons to a beefy 30 tons, but whichever is closest to the truth, Indi can gobble a heap of kohlrabi.

But as we all know, there are control measures for garden pests!

Trap and relocate. 

Okay, we need a triple sized elephant cage with a spring loaded drop door, baited with a few apple and peach trees and perhaps a truck load of melons. Once the indricotherium is secured there remains the problem  of moving the cage --- ok, industrial crane and flatbed truck - and lowering the overhead wires etc. to make room for a critter who's head is now some thirty feet in the air. But the big problem is sneaking Indi into Mrs. Quackenbush's delphiniums for release before she catches you in the act.

Deterrence:

Fence 'em out! Steel I-beams sunk into 8 feet of concrete with a web of re-bar as wire should do the trick, and make a nifty trellis for the cucumbers as well. Twenty feet tall should be enough - Indi isn't much of a hopper - and electrification might be a good idea. Should slow the deer up a bit too, there are side benefits after all!

Or you could sprinkle predator scents, like concentrated fox or coyote whiz around the perimeter of the garden and possibly terrify an animal that laughed at saber toothed cats into moving on. It might work! And it will make the predator pee distributors very happy!

Old CD discs suspended on strings...

Never mind.

Is there an upside to an indricotherium infestation? Well of course, every cloud has a silver lining. 

An indricotherium eats a prodigious amount of vegetable matter and peristalsis being what it is, this vast volume will inevitable emerge from the opposite end in the fullness of time.

Think of it, gardening enthusiasts! One good indricotherium dump and your compost requirements are a thing of the past! Location is everything, of course and the Indi's are unlikely to cooperate with your desires in that matter, so the compost heap is going to be located pretty much where you find it. (hopefully not on top of the pickup truck)

Well good luck to you, and remember, should you spot an indricothrium in your carrot patch be sure to call your local animal control officer, his response is certain to be a memorable one!

The A to Z Bloggery Challenge:  http://www.a-to-zchallenge.com/

H IS FOR HEMMORHOID

Ah Spring! When all the world is inclined to burst into a spontaneous snatch of drunken song, or alternatively, a song of drunken sna...well nevermind. With no further ado, and with profound sounding but essentially insincere apologies to Tom Higgenson and Plain White T's, we give you a love song, which afterall, is what H is all about!

Hey there Delilah don't you fret about your hemi's;

I'd a similar affliction back when I was drivin' semi's

And that's true,

Woo hoo hoo!

And hey there Delilah, ain't it time you stopped your bitchin'?

'Cause I've brought a tube of ointment which will sooth your rectal itchin'!

And that's so!

Wo ho ho!

Oh, Preparation H! 

Oh, Preparation H!

G IS FOR GARDEN POLICE

No, not the bumbling fools who can be found in the pages of "Low Crimes and Misdemeanors" but real life jack booted, gun toting ordinance citing Government goons in every flavor, Federal, State, County, Municipal and Parish, clamping down on those benighted souls who seek to grow their own rutabagas.

And after all, why not? Has the FDA looked at your carrots, examined your broccoli, thumped your melons? Have those melons been approved by the State? Are you using too much water for those melons? What kind of carbon foot print do cherry tomatoes create? And is that a fertilizer, an herbicide or good Gawd-a-mighty, a pesticide?

How does the municipality feel about corn? Is that corn too high? Does your compost pass the sniff test? Are you qualified to manage a compost pile and is it a neighborhood nuisance? Do you have a license for those peppers?

Scoff scoff, you are scoffing, never happen. Buddy it already is.

Examine if you will the four raised beds in the front yard of Julie Bass, a highly dangerous woman who decided to fix up her front yard after work requiring major digging, by installing 4 decorative and well maintained raised bed with a variety of vegetables including - gasp! - tomatoes.

Down swept the armed and armored municipal thuggery of Oak Park, Michigan issuing first a warning, then a ticket with fine, then a filed misdemeanor charge, and finally a threat of 93 days in the slammer, if Ms. Bass did not immediately cease and desist from the growing of vegetables. Neighbors rose to her defense, news media rallied on the right side for once at finally all charges were dropped, as were various ancillary BS harassment tickets with which Oak Grove tried to batter this woman into submission.

But why did it become an issue at all?

Or imagine the unmitigated gall of Mr. Steve Miller who grew cabbages and other things on his 2 acres in DeKalb County, Georgia. This time the County goons swooped in, citing zoning violations and issuing fines totally $5000.00. Mr. Miller compounded his threat to mankind by actually selling some of his produce to neighbors and at a local farmers market. 

Eventually the zoning ordinance was waived, but presumably is still on the books. Mr. Miller is still on the hook for five grand.

Think this is an isolated incident? Not with the current trend at all levels of Government to regulate each bead of sweat that flows from the brow of its citizens. In time it will only become more prevalent and more effective, these people hate to be thwarted.

Be alert, my brothers and sisters of the hoe, the Garden Police are armed, dangerous, and definitely not a joke.

The A to Z Bloggery Challenge:  http://www.a-to-zchallenge.com/