This load is definitely ready for the dryer

AIN'T SHE CUTE?

Hi ho for a day at the Laundromat, it's one of my favorite sports!
No wondering where the yellow went, it's there in my threadbare shorts.
My holy socks turn the water dark, and my whitish clothes as well,
I doubt that they ever do get clean but at least they no longer smell.

I spend the drying time hitting on the hot chick from Guatermeller,
But who is the dude with the machete blade, he seems quite an irritable feller?

CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?

 

Hey, calm down Bud how am I to know that the hot chick is your wife?
No need for thuggery, mayhem and gore nor all other forms of strife!



Well. In all my years at the laundromat I've learned to wash out mud.
Food stains and paint and litter box taint, and now I can tackle blood.
When next I visit the laundromat I'll leave Guatemalan chicks alone
Cause the blood I must wash from my tattered clothes?
All of it is my own.

BUTTZVILLE NJ, WHERE YOU CAN LEAVE IT ALL BEHIND YOU

Man where does the time go?

Already, the fourth, yes I said FOURTH annual Best Butts in Buttzville Festival is hard upon us. All day and night, Saturday August 28th the sidewalks, streets, parks and by-ways of Buttzville will throng with resplendent rumps, puissant posteriors, gargantuan glutes, bodacious booties, titanic tushies and all around great asses!

Do not miss this world famous event! 

OOOOH!

AHHHHH!

YIKES!

YUMMMM!

   

SOMETIMES THE BEAR EATS YOU!

Make your plans and buy your tickets, Best Butts in Buttzville comes but once a year!

An Afternoon at Gannet Hill Park

What did ye see at Gannet, Janet,
Down there in the hollow?
A big old balding eagle, Janet?
Or was it just a swallow?
What saw you there, beneath the tree
When the little hand was on the three,
And the big right hand was on your knee?
And what consequence did follow?

Prepare to Board!

I knew a man, he was my lodger,
He used to fly the Jolly Rodger
And all who sailed he would despoil
From Nassau Town to old Port Royal
But Port Royal vanished 'neath the sea
And Nassau fell, a victory
Of British arms.

Tortuga too, had lost its charms
As a haven for Brethren of the Coast
But ere my boarder gave up his ghost
He hired a ship and took to sea
With corsairs nigh as aged as he
And took a Spanish treasure barque
And what had started as a lark
Became the fortune of them all

So long ago, but I recall,
The largess of this ancient rogue
Who now, long gone, must fry in hell.
But while among us? Tipped real well.

The Depressurization of Tom Brady's Balls

 
Tom Brady's balls were firm and hard and thus difficult to clutch
He tried smearing them with sticky stuff, (it didn't help that much)
Tom did some research and he discovered, (Imagine his elation)
That he could grip his balls just right with just the right deflation

And when he gripped his balls just right he could throw them down the field
To all of his receivers wide, and force the foe to yield
But the NFL drew up a rule and it's enforcement strongly urge-ed
That balls may not be placed in play unless they're fully turgid.

Tom really tried to find a way to ease the pressure in his balls
And wandered through his rooms by day and nightly through his halls
He called upon the football Gods to drain his balls real good
But only his mate , a super model, heard (and misunderstood)

And so she lay in wait for Tom and did so not in vain
And each time Tommy hove in view his balls she'd truly drain
Now Tom's accused of cheating by football, not Gisele
And they may not even let him play; consigned to football hell

"Be careful what you wish for", I heard poor Tommy say
For with his balls so truly drained he's far too tired to play.

Trending to Vampirical!

Although it's scarcely plausible
I find my eyes are crossible
Her cocktail dress is gauzable
And that may be the causible

You won't see her at night
Or in brightest daylight
She can only be found in the gloam of twilight
She used to act sweet with me but now she's almost

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Trending to vampirical

Her habits are crepuscular
She's more-than-human muscular
It's impossible to hustle her
(But still it's fun to tussle her)

Her hair is flame red and she doesn't smell dead
And despite the sharp fangs she gives really good head
She's really quite a sight to see even though she's

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Trending to vampirical

She's so fine, there's no tellin' where my red cells went
She wants mine, it's transfusion time I know

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Note, you can sing this if you've a mind to. Robert Palmers' "Simply Irresistible" might be a good place to start.

The Beautiful Schnee

Schnee, schnee, beautiful schnee,

Stuck to each hedgerow and roof peak and tree,
It ain't goin' to stop 'til it's over my knee!
It's the schnee, the beautiful schnee.

Mister Weatherman I wonder, wouldst riddle me this?
And please answer promptly, before I get pissed
You foresaw, last report, only rain and some mist.
Now I'm up to my butt in wet schnee!

"Pardon me, poem writer, a question for thee!
We are looking at snow, yet you're calling it "schnee"?"
"I'll answer that question in manner laconic,
The word still means "snow" if your speech is Teutonic!" 

Schnee, schnee, bee-yoot-tee-ful schnee
I write my name in it when I need to pee
A skill set passed down from my father to me
Beware you don't eat yellow schnee!