F IS FOR FENUGREEK

Yes, fenugreek, ladies and gentlemen, Foecum graecum of the Triginella family! It's fodder, it's a spice, it's a legume, a vegetable, a medicine and an aphrodisiac! Horny goatweed which can be fed to goat or old goat alike!

Fenugreek has been with us for a very long time, archaeological evidence of cultivation from Iraq and Egypt as long ago as 4000 BC are plentiful and certainly it's  use as an animal fodder predates it's use in the kitchen.

Fenugreek is widely used in cooking in India and Pakistan and throughout the Mideast as well, it is becoming more and more popular throughout the world as culinary arts become more global. Seeds are used dried and crushed as spices, as pickling aids, or in curries, or whole as a bitter legume. Leaves are used as vegetables or a component in vegetable dishes. Sprouted seeds are used as any form of sprout would be and are quite popular as such. There are many, many recipes available that use fenugreek in one form or another.

The use of fenugreek as a medicine are well documented but mainly apocryphal. It is claimed that fenugreek seeds enhances lactation in humans and other mammals. A cup of fenugreek tea daily is supposed to alleviate the symptoms of arthritis; a similar dose is supposed to lower cholesterol.

Fenugreek has also been touted as an aphrodisiac and there may be some merit to this claim. This plant apparently will put punch in your curry and lead in your pencil in just one tasty serving!

The beneficial effects of fenugreek on type one and two diabetes are currently under study and are showing definite promise.

Fenugreek will grow almost anywhere with minimal care, and in indifferent soil. It is, after all, 

essentially a weed. Home gardeners may wish to add this easy to grow plant to their repertoire. Should it not prove to be popular with the family, remember fenugreek's heritage as animal fodder, and make a friendly goat very happy. 

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E IS FOR "EXPERIMENTAL BED 33"

That could really be the only reason for "E" afterall, to introduce a virgin audience to that sensational new serial crime thriller that has captivated fans numbering in the low single digits...

                                                  Experimental Bed 33

                                                             Chapter 1

                                              “Trace nutrients in Feeney’s pile”

Farmer Feeney was feeling expansive. He had risen with the chickens, he had a beautiful day shaping up, and gardening to do. He had mulching, dibbling, tomato stakliness and weedery on his agenda and the world was his salsify. Then he saw his compost heap emerge from the pre-dawn mist as he approached it and knew that the kohlrabi would have to wait.

"911" said a bored voice, "Is this an emergency?"

"You bet your broccoli it is!" Feeney said, "I found an old boot in my compost heap!"

"An old boot," said 911, "Can you hang on while I call the Feds? I'm not sure we have the assets to deal with this. A little early to be in the bag, isn't it, Pops?"

"It has an old foot in it!" said Feeney,

"Agghh!" said 911

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D IS FOR DOGGEREL

Oftimes I'm asked; “What drives you, Bro, to generate such verse, 
the bulk of which is awful and the balance, frankly, worse?” 
The dark side of reality fueled each chilling ode by Poe, 
For Macaulay, Roman heroes made his inkwell overflow.
Ernest Thayer waxed apoplectic when his baseball team fell flat, 
and thusways primed he penned the rhyme called “Casey at the Bat”.

Such things as these inspire me not, as time has surely proved. 
Sunrise, sunset, and sand and surf all leave me quite unmoved. 
All of natures grandeurs no rhyme from me will spawn. 
An hour of bliss, a baby’s kiss at best provokes a yawn. 
One sight only stirs my muse and brings my blood to boiling, 
and renders versifying a great pleasure, not a toiling, 
and flings wide creative floodgates that before were tightly shut. 
Nothing fans my rhyming flames like Kim Kardashians’ butt!

You may keep the rings of Saturn! No opus will they launch! 
But I’ll darken reams of paper re the joys of Kimmies’ haunch. 
While some bards wax euphoric at the lunar glow in June, 
I pen my rhymes more clearly by the light of  KayKay's moon.

She's so sexy!
She's so cute!
I love her steatopygean glute!
Pass my cam! I gotta shoot!
A picture of it,
O yes I love it!
I love that butt.
Call me a mutt!
(Perhaps in rutt)
But I love that titanic,
Oceanic,
and yet uniquely Kardashianic!
Butt!

Like water from a ruptured dam the flood of verse pours forth, 
inspired by a southern view of Ms. Kardashian, heading north.

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C IS FOR CHEESECLOTH

I cannot find my cheesecloth; where did my cheesecloth go?
Where is it at this moment? I would dearly like to know.
It isn't in the shoe shine kit where oft times I would tuck it,
Nor in the corner by the stove where casually I'd chuck it.

It isn't in the dresser drawer curled up amongst the socks,
My cheesecloth never goes outside, t'is not amidst the phlox!
It isn't over yonder, It can't be over there!
I stare in slack jawed wonder, it isn't anywhere!

How tragically I mourn this cloth, I'll not recover easily.
Where will I find another that comports itself so cheesily?
Oh I'll make do with linen, or wool perhaps or cotton,
But this dear cheesecloth staunch and true can never be forgotten.

So if you have a cheesecloth so soft and strong and sprightly,
You must guard it through the days long hours and keep it by you nightly.
Hold it safe from wolverine, and goat and cloth molester,
For once your cheesecloth's gone for good, you're stuck with polyesther!


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B IS FOR BRONTOSAURUS

B was once for Brontosaur but really isn't, anymore.
Paleontologically modified poor Bronto's been Apatophied!
Should we lapse and call him Brontosaurus, 
It's our own fault should he ignore us.
Like one who's name is Ed, or Spike, or even Bruce or Pat or Mike,
T'would be the same to call us Mudd, to name us Chief, or Sport, or Bud.
Address all sauropods directly, pronounce each syllable correctly
Be courteous, clear , above all, succinct!
Oh never mind, they're all extinct.


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A IS FOR ASTEROID

A is for asteroid, a huge chunk of interplanetary debris hurtling in from the outer dark to smite us all dead on the 15th of February, 2013. There will be shattered earth, bellowing volcanoes, tsunami, nuclear winter, dogs and cats living together; the whole magilla in other words. Asteroid DA14 is coming for us all, don't fret about the car payments.

Well hang on a second, DA14 just missed us on February 22nd of 2012 six days before it was actually discovered shooting away to loop around and try again. Astronomers from the Spanish La Sagra Sky Survey outside of Grenada were able to track it, and give us a good handle on what it's orbit looks like. Which as it turns out, looks like it's out to get us.

DA14's orbit practically mirrors Earths. It forms an oval of about the same size and roughly the same distance from the Sun as is the earths, and has almost the same period, orbiting the sun in 366 days compared to earths 365. The one significant difference is that DA14's orbit is tilted about thirty degrees from the plane of our planets. The paths cross twice a year giving DA14 two shots for the price of one.

How close was the last miss, well in astronomical terms, pretty close, 1.5 million miles or about 5 times the distance from the Earth to the Moon. In terms of actual threat however, it was a comfortable margin.

What about February 15, 2013? A bit closer, a bit. DA14 is going to pass inside the Moons orbit. In fact, it will be 14 times closer to Earth than is the Moon. It will be closer to Earth than most artificial satellites. In fact, NASA likes the figure 17,000 miles close. 

Well most of NASA does. The researchers in the Near Earth Program at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena are going with a definite inner limit of 12, 680 miles. But it for sure is going to miss, they assert. Well, ok. But these are the same guys who sent the Hubble telescope into orbit with the wrong lens.

I'm just sayin'. 

The good news is that DA14 is not all that big. Stand at the back of the end zone at the local high school football field of your choice and look about 30 yards past the opposite end, that's about 150 yards, and roughly the diameter of DA14. It packs about one and one half times the wallop of whatever struck Tungusca, Siberia in 1908. About as much as a really big  nuke.

We can live with that. Unless, of course, we are right under it. 

But cheer up folks, DA14 has been doing this twice a year for millions of years, and hasn't got lucky yet. Better to worry about the million or so other undiscovered chunks of celestial jetsam boring in to test our reflexes, some of them the size of the national debt.

Certainly does make one appreciate the first robin of spring, does it not?




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BEWARE THE HOGWEEDS OF MARCH!

And of every other month as well, at least if you value your eyesight and your skin.

Giant Hogweed, scientific name Heracleum Mantegazzianum is an intrusive plant in the United States, it is native to the Caucasus region of Europe and has been introduced in many other regions as a garden plant.

It looks like nothing more sinister than a large form - some specimens can top 15 feet - of Queen Anne's Lace to which it is distantly related. It is also related to the carrot but it is, of course, completely inedible as every potion of the plant which grows above ground is toxic with substances known as  furanocoumarins.

This toxin attacks the very DNA of those who come into contact with it, and will cause severe burning and blistering of the flesh by producing extreme sensitivity to UV light, a condition known as phytophotodermatitus.

The condition is highly unpleasant and although it may be caused by almost every part of the plant it is the sap which is most dangerous. If sap comes in contact with the eyes blindness not only can, but probably will, result.

Blistering can continue for months and even years depending on the amount of exposure and the degree of sensitivity of the person exposed.

Never cut or try to remove hogweed unless all skin is protected by impermeable clothing and the eyes are protected by goggles. If at all possible leave removal to professionals.

Needless to say, children and animals should be kept away from hogweed at all times.

Hogweed can be readily distinguished from Queen Anne's Lace by its prodigious size and also by it's large, broad leaves which look nothing like the frilly, ferny leaves of its innocuous cousin.

Hogweed: Learn to recognize it, do your very best to avoid it. The skin you save may be your own!

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