BEST BUTTS IN BUTTZVILLE CELEBRATION AND COMPETITION!!

Ah there it is, Buttzville, NJ, a very small pimple on the otherwise bloated ass of the State of New Jersey. Located on Route 46 just a few miles east of the Delaware Water Gap, a tiny residential backwater rendered insignificant by the creation of Interstate Rte. 80 which whizzes on by without ever leaking a tourist, a hungry diner or a gasoline seeker.

Buttzville boasts - reluctantly in both cases I suspect - a Post Office and a hot dog stand.

Can you guess which one is which?

That's ok it's more or less irrelevant.

Buttzville, such as it is pretty much blossoms along the route of the Pequest River. The river was named with more foresight than I'm sure the founders knew, because the only reason a person sound in mind and body would leave interstate 80 at that point would be in quest of a place to Pe. In this quest they are for the most part doomed, save for the roadside bushes.

Oh but not on Saturday, the 25th of August, 2012 when Buttzville New Jersey proudly hosts - well as proudly as they can without their prior knowledge or consent - the very first annual BEST BUTTS IN BUTTZVILLE competition and hootenanny!

The hamlet will EXPLODE into a vast phantasmagoria of world class - and I fear, a few substandard - BUTTS!

But ladies and gennemuns, we need your help here! Make this thing go viral! Facebook, MySpace, any other social site, Pinterest, Twitter, Stumble, your own Blog - WHATEVA! 

Let the word go forth; and bring your butts to Buttzville August 25 2012!

Will there be celebrity butts? Could be, could be.

We do not actually know the schedule of the curvilicious Natalin Avci. We could not swear in a court of law that she will NOT be in Buttsville on the 25th of August, 2012!! Only one way to find out!

Farm Girl might be there, possibly, one can't be certain. And why be negative on the subject after all?

And butt me no butts when it comes to the lovely Kim Kardashian! Would she be bringing up the rear when it comes to great butts? I think not. Although there is at this point no commitment, Miss K has a sense of humor about these things and just MIGHT show up, if only she hears of the event!

(Are you posting, yet?)

Vida Guerra? Well. Difficult to say for certain, but, 'eyyy, postulating an infinite universe, anything is after all, possible!

BUTT! We need your help to make it happen! Bring your own butt, your girl friends butt, her girlfriends butt and the stripper you met in Linden last week!

Tell the entire butt-lovin' world where you plan to be on that great and festive day!

Folks, not to put too fine a point on it we need more butts in Buttzville on 8-25-2012 than there are assholes in Washington! And that is one heckuva a lot of butts!

There will, of course, be local talent...











The quality of which is apt to vary.

Butt does that really matter in the greater scheme of things? We think not. Get out there August 25th  and show the entire world* what you've got.

*The entire world, as it relates to Buttzville. And of course, youtube.

DISCLAIMER: Seeds and Weeds and it's peeps assume absolutely no responsibility for anything that happens, has happened or will happen anywhere or at anytime, in any place.

NURSERY RIMES OF THE ANCIENT MARINER

OLD FATHER HUBBARD

WENT TO HIS CUPBOARD

IN HOPES OF A NICE BREAKFAST BUN

BUT TO HIS DESPAIR ONLY CRUMBS REMAINED THERE!

SO INSTEAD THE OLD FELLOW HAD NUN.

Yes, that's his story and he's sticking to it, and when you get right down to it, who could blame the old gentleman, really.

And let's face it, you saw this one coming the second you glimpsed the opening line, didn't you? But you looked all the way through anyway because that's how you are. Well this time it paid off because it seems the good man enjoyed the first one so much he had another! (Kind of like Chinese food, these breakfast Nuns)

 
And since then its no more cinnamon buns at breakfast time for the dear man; he's lost tons of weight, (and considerable respect among certain but by no means all elements within the community), has a twinkle in his eye, a bounce in his step and is in every way a lot more fun to be around. Well nasty habits are like that, don't you think?

Marvelous Magical Mystery Meat

Often times I ponder Spam
Is it fat? Or is it ham?
Squashed into a squarish can,
a metaphor for all I am.
When my relations seem ungrateful,
I consume it by the plateful.
straight from the can, with flying fork,
It makes me feel less of a dork.
Tho' my dorkly status has not changed,
I leave the table less deranged.
Gut swollen with a surfeit
of artery clogging luncheon meat
So keep your ice cream and your cocoa
when lifes disasters make me loco.
I fry and gulp six pounds of Spam,
and I no longer give a damn.

THE GLORY SCALE

Just a reminder to all of you who are still attempting to function on the perfectly serviceable but admittedly outmoded English system of linear measurement or (fate forfend) have been bamboozled into using the most heinous "Metric" (pfaugh) scale I remind you that we are on the eminently workable Glory scale, and have been for some time. Can't find Glory measuring devices? Write your Congresscrote. (And remind him/her/confused while you are at it to formalize AMME)

We arrive at the various components of the Glory scale by measuring Glory from bowsprit to mizzenmast, as one would a prize trout. Arriving at 4' 11" we then, as friends are obligated to do, ignore the validity of our own measurements and adopt (against all evidence to the contrary) the absurdly over stretched figure of 5 ft. 1.5 inches English which Glory steadfastly claims as her height.



We then divide (not literally) the basic Glory into 60 individual units called "green thumbs" or "greenies" by the dull witted and US Senators.

60 green thumbs = 1 Glory   

12 green thumbs = 1 weeder

therefore

5 weeders = 1 Glory!

Note the marvelous simplicity of it all!

30 green thumbs = 1 semi-Glory, or,

2 1/2 weeders!

Now then, for the old odometer, we will require an ode

(only kidding)

who said "Thank God?"

1000 Glories = 1 gardener

5000 weeders - 1 gardener

as do

2000 semi - Glories

(A gardener therefore being 97% of an English mile or 5125 ft.)

Now then, just to be bastids we'll toss in two more arcane measurements, the "shorty", and the "Indricotherium", generally shortened to "Indi"

10 shorties = 1 Glory

5 shorties = 1 semi-Glory

There are 10,000 shorties in a gardener

5 Glories = 1 Indi

25 weeders = 1 Indi

There are 200 Indies in a gardener!

What could be simpler? Not a whole helluva lot I'm thinking. Stay tuned as we delve into weight, volume and units of time (Glory Daze!) Thrill to learn that 5 cubic Glories = 1 Hawgweed, and 5 english gallons = 1 Hawgshead. There will be a test so study the material!

 

Unable to Dye

Immersed in the depths of dark despair,

I ponder: What shade to dye my hair?

Red like April? Black like Cher?

Yellow’d; to match my underwear?

No that’s just silly!

But then, Slick Willy,

Adopted a salt and pepper shade.

It got him elected! It got him laid!

But I’ll eschew his precedent.

I’ve no wish to be President…

A festive blonde hue, I'd surely try it

If only I had hair, to dye it.

Of my once thick locks remains no follicle.

Not hank, nor wisp, nor strand, nor molecule.

No colors can the stylist bring,

Oh dyeing’s not an easy thing.

The preceding doggerel was ruthlessly stricken from Helium.coms website, violently excised from the pack of 108 tear jerking opus magni to the top of which (via their own rating system) it was relentlessly rising, like a turd in a swimming pool.

I pronounce you Humorless Nerd, vile Heliumite, and rest assured, I'll insert another where you least expect it.

Just like Prom night, hmmm?

   

A IS FOR APRIL MAY MAPLE EVE!

Yes it is ladies and gentlemen but in case you've forgotten this most special of Holidays lets review the course of festive events!

AMM IN THE GREAT MAPLE TREE

Every April May Maple's Eve before the sun goes down, far away in the Great Northern Maple Forest (specific location unknown but narrowed down to Vermont, New Hampshire or Maine) April May Maple climbs to the highest limbs of The Great Maple, the biggest maple tree in the world. From this vantage point she can see the whole planet (its the usual mystical holiday hoo-hah, just run with it) She looks for those bad people who have forgotten about AMME and who do not celebrate this most ancient (relatively speaking) of Holidays. She singles out a dozen of the worst offenders.

Those who have not grown maple seedlings to plant on April May Maple Eve go straight to the naughty list. No Molson delivery? Ditto. Not planning a pancake fest? No scraps of doggerel inscribed foolscap ready for performing? Not ready to bust some dance moves to "Magdalena"?? Guess what list YOU are on! (And by the way, if anyone ever serves Mrs Butterworth in lieu of 100% maple surple, well, there is a special spot in Mike Logan's Bog for you!) April May Maple puts on the traditional Holiday costume, making sure to have her cape on.

CAPON

Umno. HAVE HER CAPE ON!

CAPE ON

There, that's much better!



















ALPO, KENNEL RATION AND THE SUGAR SLEDGE

Just before dark she harnesses the mighty draft horses, Alpo and Kennel Ration to the Sugar Sledge...

And gets down to business. Visiting all the houses on the naughty list she parks the sled around back...

Picks the lock on the side door...

Leaves a half dozen maple sugar candies by way of calling card...

Steals, er, liberates the big flat screen tv...

And then on to the next stop, circling the world at supernatural holiday speed, especially for a sugar sledge and two bucket-footed draft horses.

DOGGERELLERS

Meanwhile, darkness falls and the festive throngs begin to deploy, everywhere there are groups of doggerellers going house to house, declaiming horrid verse on the subject of Delilah's hemorrhoids, or extinct proto-elephants, or indeed on any topic whatsoever.

One of the beautiful things about AMME is no one ever has to stick to the plot.

Primarily because there really isn't one. 

SUDS

Doggerellers are met by their friends and neighbors with an ocean of Molson...

YUM!

or a tower of syrup dripping pancakery, or perhaps pelted with empty beer cans, depending on the odiousness of their odes.  

At midnight the maple seedlings are planted!

Sky lanterns released!

And the dancing begins, with Magdalena as the lead off tune!

Meanwhile, all dozen large flat screen tv's collected and candies distributed, and using the magic of Holiday Standard Timewarping (HST) April May Maple visits allllll the festive celebrations in turn, in disguise of course. AMM is looking for a dozen celebrants who are guzzling Molson with a will, packing pancakes into their yaps like a cannoneer ramming a powder charge home...

and generally getting into the spirit of the season.

AMM, mistress of disguise could be anyone in the crowd...

Anyone at all!

Yes, anyone!

But once the 12 best revelers are identified AMM runs a second 12 stop route, dropping off those slightly used and extremely hot large flat screen tv's at the homes of the revelers, to baffle and befuddle the lucky family when once the hangover wears off! 

Now isn't that a nice holiday?

Z IS FOR ZORILLA

What else would Z be for? What is a zorilla? For one thing its the answer to the question, "When is a skunk not a skunk?" Zorillas - otherwise Ictonyx striatus with emphasis on "Ic" look a bit like skunks and smell even worse. In fact they are more closely related to wolverines than they are to our familiar little North American  stinkers.

Like most weasels the zorilla is far from affable and cannot be tamed like the common skunk. They are essentially fearless and have been known to drive lions from their kills with their hideous scent - which, again like skunks - they can spray for some distance, and with depressing accuracy.

They inhabit most of sub-Saharan Africa, and are welcome to remain there.

But "Z" is also the letter at the opposite end of the alphabet from "A", and writing about it marks the end of the A to Z Blog Challenge, a pleasant little exercise in self discipline which was enormously enjoyable, entertaining and educational as well.

It also presents a license to grind out otherwise inexcusable doggerel, an opportunity never to be missed.

I'm glad I took the challenge, it was fun, and new friends were made along the way. Can't wait until the next one, which I've heard will feature significant monetary rewards.

Until then, "A" is for Adios!

The A to Z Bloggery Challenge:  http://www.a-to-zchallenge.com/