John Holmes is dead, but I have heard it said,

He used to walk the nude beach getting tanned,

He'd shoot the crowd a moon,

Then amble 'cross each dune,

Behind him leaving three tracks in the sand.

Poor John is dead, a casket for his bed,

But rigor mortis settled in his hose,

In the lid we'll bore a hole,

And through it thread his pole,

Or else we'll never get the damned thing closed.

 

SCHRODINGER'S CAT

When 'ere I'm reminded of Schrodinger's cat,

I cannot but wonder where the wee fellow's at.

Is he locked in the box and thus cattily bitchin'?

Or is he at large, lapping cream in the kitchen?

Is he digging a cat-hole out back by the fence?

Or hanging by tail from a tree in suspense?

Is he live? Is he dead?

Is he single or wed?

   Has he kittens or not?   

              

Is he cold? Is he hot?

                                              

                        I believe he's just fine, and not dead as I'd feared,                                         

                        But that Schrodinger guy? He is just flippin' weird!                                   

Brussels Sprouts!

SPROUTS FROM BRUSSELS!

Don't you just love 'em? I know I do!

SPROUTS

Brussels sprouts for breakfast, Brussels sprouts for lunch,
Sprouties served with iced champagne to make the perfect brunch!
Boiled and drowned in butter, or juiced to make a punch,
Brussels sprouts the tasty treat that I just love to munch!

Now I love to have a pet around but not a cat or dog,
Don't want no flop-eared bunny, or fat pot bellied hog.
My sprout plant does not need a walk and never gives me fleas,
Just lots of tender Brussels sprouts and I call her Louise!

LOUISE! (AND FRIENDS)

Sprouties by the bowl full, sprouties by the plate,
I'd like to have a buck for every Brussels sprout I've ate.
When I take my final dirt bath, just so there are no doubts...
Plant me in a steamer trunk well packed in Brussels sprouts

And that should be more than enough of that.

Weenies!

 THE TUBULAR STEAK

YUM!

I'm gonna have some weenies,
Right this very minute.
Gonna grease a pan and fry some weenies in it!

And if I don't get too flustered

There will be some kraut and mustard

And possibly some cheese
(Hear my arteries yellin' "Please!")
And I may just do some butterin'
To get my doctor mutterin'
Gonna have some weenies now!

Are you ready for "Best Butts in Buttzville" day?

OF COURSE IT'S A REAL PLACE!

A Best Butts in Buttzville celebration falls on the first Saturday following August 27th unless August 27th itself is a Saturday in which case the 27th is the Holiday.

This year the great event falls on September 1.

It takes place in the unincorporated town of Buttzville, in groovy western New Jersey. It may be reached from routes 46, 31 and I-80.

The town features a hot dog stand,

THAT'S IT

And a post office,

USED TO BE A GAS STATION

And not one whole heck of a lot more. Except for lots of great butts in late summer.

There is a rumor that Kim Kardashian has her Christmas cards mailed from this office, just for the post mark but I cannot confirm this.

The day itself is an unabashed celebration of the worlds greatest butts.

NOOOOOOO!

Not a sackbutt although I'm sure if one were to show up everyone would be pleased to see a Renaissance era saxophone. 

But the founders had this sort of butt in mind.

YIKES!

Yes that is correct. It seems peculiar that this tiny backwater community would host the worlds foremost celebration of attention grabbing glutes but this is in fact the case. Come and see for yourself!

Just don't bring these!

YUCK!

None of these are welcome, although I'm sure folks will litter . Some people just can't help themselves.

BUT THIS IS MORE APPROPRIATE

There might be a few butts of ale and beer around to slake the thirst of the sun parched horde, it would not be surprising if there were. (Although there is no guarantee!)

MIGHT EVEN BE A HOGSHEAD OR TWO, BUT LET'S NOT BE CRITICAL OF OUR BRETHREN AND CISTERN

Buttsville is a kind of red-neckity town with it's fair share of self sufficient bow hunting types so shooting at the butts, (an archaic word for "target") is not out of the question.

OBVIOUSLY A GREAT SHOT

HOPE IT ISN'T RAINING

There may even be some butts shooting at the butts, one never do know, do one?

Great butts are where you find them, the many tourists attending are always eager to flaunt their own, but check out the many, occasional shop or business in Buttsville.

I'm not certain if there is a gun shop in  Buttzville,

LOCKED AND LOADED

Or a laundromat,

INSERT YOUR OWN SPIN CYCLE COMMENT HERE

Or a pistol range for that matter.

KA-BOOM!

It is your responsibility to find out!

So get YOUR butt over to Buttsville on Saturday September 1, or YOU may become...(drum roll),

The butt of every joke for the next year!

Johann Elert Bode just doesn't get enough credit these days

Whilst seated upon the commode,
An astronomer, Johann Elert Bode
Found a celestial law
Which had nary a flaw
Which he phrased in the form of an ode.

Each planet you see is removed from the sun
By a distance twice farther than the preceeding one
Not a half, I lament
Not three hundred percent
But just twice! (Now isn't this fun?)

Cabbage and chicken soup

SOUP!

You will need:

A cabbage

A very large onion

A pound of boneless chicken breast

or

A pound or so of chicken tenderloin

Fresh garlic or garlic powder

Salt

Chicken broth

Butter

In a skillet melt some butter, and add a little salt and either fresh crushed garlic or some garlic powder.

Slice the chicken into thumb sized pieces and add to the butter in the skillet. If you have an extraordinarily large thumb such as the one the late Andre the Giant sported, think of someone with a smaller thumb and slice the bits of chicken to match the smaller digit.

THAT'S A BIG THUMB

Slice some cabbage thinly, then chop the slices, add to the skillet.

Slice the onion thinly, quarter the slices and place in the skillet.

Stir and flip the contents to coat the ingredients with butter and to promote even cooking.

In a large saucepan start some chicken broth heating.

When the chicken is mostly cooked transfer the entire contents of the skillet to the saucepan. Allow to simmer until you are certain that the chicken has been thoroughly cooked and the cabbage is soft and tender.

The soup is now ready to eat.

Note: This is the basic soup, but noodles, macaroni or pre-cooked rice can be added, as can carrots, peas or other veggies.

Or ball bearings for that matter but I don't endorse the idea.

This is also good with boneless pork ribs substituted for the chicken!

Enjoy!