YES, THERE IS A BUTTZVILLE!

And on Saturday, August 28th, 2021 there will be hijinks and tomfoolery, not to mention much fun in Buttzville, New Jersey It's the annual "Best Butts in Buttsville Competition", known worldwide for it's cheeky antics.

Will Australian supermodel Sophie Turner be butting in on the festivities? 

The only way to find out is to be there yourself! So bring your butt to Buttsville, NJ, Saturday August 28th and get to the bottom of the matter!

 

John Holmes is dead, but I have heard it said,

He used to walk the nude beach getting tanned,

He'd shoot the crowd a moon,

Then amble 'cross each dune,

Behind him leaving three tracks in the sand.

Poor John is dead, a casket for his bed,

But rigor mortis settled in his hose,

In the lid we'll bore a hole,

And through it thread his pole,

Or else we'll never get the damned thing closed.

 

SCHRODINGER'S CAT

When 'ere I'm reminded of Schrodinger's cat,

I cannot but wonder where the wee fellow's at.

Is he locked in the box and thus cattily bitchin'?

Or is he at large, lapping cream in the kitchen?

Is he digging a cat-hole out back by the fence?

Or hanging by tail from a tree in suspense?

Is he live? Is he dead?

Is he single or wed?

   Has he kittens or not?   

              

Is he cold? Is he hot?

                                              

                        I believe he's just fine, and not dead as I'd feared,                                         

                        But that Schrodinger guy? He is just flippin' weird!                                   

Brussels Sprouts!

SPROUTS FROM BRUSSELS!

Don't you just love 'em? I know I do!

SPROUTS

Brussels sprouts for breakfast, Brussels sprouts for lunch,
Sprouties served with iced champagne to make the perfect brunch!
Boiled and drowned in butter, or juiced to make a punch,
Brussels sprouts the tasty treat that I just love to munch!

Now I love to have a pet around but not a cat or dog,
Don't want no flop-eared bunny, or fat pot bellied hog.
My sprout plant does not need a walk and never gives me fleas,
Just lots of tender Brussels sprouts and I call her Louise!

LOUISE! (AND FRIENDS)

Sprouties by the bowl full, sprouties by the plate,
I'd like to have a buck for every Brussels sprout I've ate.
When I take my final dirt bath, just so there are no doubts...
Plant me in a steamer trunk well packed in Brussels sprouts

And that should be more than enough of that.

Weenies!

 THE TUBULAR STEAK

YUM!

I'm gonna have some weenies,
Right this very minute.
Gonna grease a pan and fry some weenies in it!

And if I don't get too flustered

There will be some kraut and mustard

And possibly some cheese
(Hear my arteries yellin' "Please!")
And I may just do some butterin'
To get my doctor mutterin'
Gonna have some weenies now!

Are you ready for "Best Butts in Buttzville" day?

OF COURSE IT'S A REAL PLACE!

A Best Butts in Buttzville celebration falls on the first Saturday following August 27th unless August 27th itself is a Saturday in which case the 27th is the Holiday.

This year the great event falls on September 1.

It takes place in the unincorporated town of Buttzville, in groovy western New Jersey. It may be reached from routes 46, 31 and I-80.

The town features a hot dog stand,

THAT'S IT

And a post office,

USED TO BE A GAS STATION

And not one whole heck of a lot more. Except for lots of great butts in late summer.

There is a rumor that Kim Kardashian has her Christmas cards mailed from this office, just for the post mark but I cannot confirm this.

The day itself is an unabashed celebration of the worlds greatest butts.

NOOOOOOO!

Not a sackbutt although I'm sure if one were to show up everyone would be pleased to see a Renaissance era saxophone. 

But the founders had this sort of butt in mind.

YIKES!

Yes that is correct. It seems peculiar that this tiny backwater community would host the worlds foremost celebration of attention grabbing glutes but this is in fact the case. Come and see for yourself!

Just don't bring these!

YUCK!

None of these are welcome, although I'm sure folks will litter . Some people just can't help themselves.

BUT THIS IS MORE APPROPRIATE

There might be a few butts of ale and beer around to slake the thirst of the sun parched horde, it would not be surprising if there were. (Although there is no guarantee!)

MIGHT EVEN BE A HOGSHEAD OR TWO, BUT LET'S NOT BE CRITICAL OF OUR BRETHREN AND CISTERN

Buttsville is a kind of red-neckity town with it's fair share of self sufficient bow hunting types so shooting at the butts, (an archaic word for "target") is not out of the question.

OBVIOUSLY A GREAT SHOT

HOPE IT ISN'T RAINING

There may even be some butts shooting at the butts, one never do know, do one?

Great butts are where you find them, the many tourists attending are always eager to flaunt their own, but check out the many, occasional shop or business in Buttsville.

I'm not certain if there is a gun shop in  Buttzville,

LOCKED AND LOADED

Or a laundromat,

INSERT YOUR OWN SPIN CYCLE COMMENT HERE

Or a pistol range for that matter.

KA-BOOM!

It is your responsibility to find out!

So get YOUR butt over to Buttsville on Saturday September 1, or YOU may become...(drum roll),

The butt of every joke for the next year!

Johann Elert Bode just doesn't get enough credit these days

Whilst seated upon the commode,
An astronomer, Johann Elert Bode
Found a celestial law
Which had nary a flaw
Which he phrased in the form of an ode.

Each planet you see is removed from the sun
By a distance twice farther than the preceeding one
Not a half, I lament
Not three hundred percent
But just twice! (Now isn't this fun?)

Cabbage and chicken soup

SOUP!

You will need:

A cabbage

A very large onion

A pound of boneless chicken breast

or

A pound or so of chicken tenderloin

Fresh garlic or garlic powder

Salt

Chicken broth

Butter

In a skillet melt some butter, and add a little salt and either fresh crushed garlic or some garlic powder.

Slice the chicken into thumb sized pieces and add to the butter in the skillet. If you have an extraordinarily large thumb such as the one the late Andre the Giant sported, think of someone with a smaller thumb and slice the bits of chicken to match the smaller digit.

THAT'S A BIG THUMB

Slice some cabbage thinly, then chop the slices, add to the skillet.

Slice the onion thinly, quarter the slices and place in the skillet.

Stir and flip the contents to coat the ingredients with butter and to promote even cooking.

In a large saucepan start some chicken broth heating.

When the chicken is mostly cooked transfer the entire contents of the skillet to the saucepan. Allow to simmer until you are certain that the chicken has been thoroughly cooked and the cabbage is soft and tender.

The soup is now ready to eat.

Note: This is the basic soup, but noodles, macaroni or pre-cooked rice can be added, as can carrots, peas or other veggies.

Or ball bearings for that matter but I don't endorse the idea.

This is also good with boneless pork ribs substituted for the chicken!

Enjoy!

One of the best but least known holidays

It's "Best Butts in Buttzville, 2017, the fifth installment of same"!

Where?: Buttzville, New Jersey on Route 46 near the intersection with route 31 in Warren County.

When?: August 27, 2017

What?: Seriously? This is a question?

HERE IS A HINT

So get your butt to Buttsville on August 27th and enjoy the cheeky festivities!

The Singular Adventure of, Well, Just Trust Us It's Pretty Damned Singular

DR. PHINEAS MOSSMITE AND WINKLE PICOT, SLEUTHERY AT ITS FINEST

"I say, Mossmite, things have been damnably quiet since that blasted chap Aardvark folded his tents, took the Bubblows site off the net and hauled ass for Bora Bora about a half step, I should judge, ahead of State and Federal authorities."

"Quiet indeed Picot." replied Dr. Phineas Mossmite. "But it's 'Arvin' and 'Bubblews', not to put to fine a point on it, and we don't know that anyone was actually in pursuit of him."

"Except of course, Mrs. Bilgepump. Bloody bastard was into her for twenty quid when he did a runner. Shouldn't like to be in his shoes when the old dear comes thundering down on him like a rogue elephant with a bide-a-wee thorn up it's arse."

"Indeed." replied Picot, flinching.

"Mossmite old chap, if I may digress for a moment, how is it that two youngish, up to date fellows dwelling in Hoboken in 2017 manage to speak, sound and read like relics from Victorian London?"

"I bring it up because our reader, Mrs. Abigail Potts-Chamberly expressed a certain degree of irritated bafflement regarding our dialogue."

"Well Picot", said Mossmite, producing his pipe, "You've got me. I blame the writer."

"As do we all." said Picot.


There will be yet more singularities. Some of them naked.

Adios, MF

Pack up all your left wing crap
While Donald takes his victory lap
Bye bye, Granny

Your future just became your past...
And I'm so glad to see the last
Of your fat fanny

Good luck with your upcoming expedition
To a country that won't honor extradition

Do not weep and do not wail
Just be glad you're not in jail
Granny, bye bye!

Old Bill C

I queried Bill 'bout his sordid past

"What sort of gal do you like?", I asked.
Intellectual types, or those who sport?
Do you like them tall or love them short?
Do you prefer them silent, or verbose?

Bill said: "I like them comatose."

A Day at the Laundromat

Oh hi me hence to the laundromat
Bearing many a malodorous sock
As oftimes a shepherd will boldly go
To the babbling brook where the clear waters flow
With a line of the wooliest beasties in tow
(Or sometimes merely formed up in a row)
Which comprises his caprinaerious flock

A football jersey, meant for sports
Relegated now to work
A dozen holed and yellowed shorts
Which in a dank corner lurk
Some threadbare jeans and and faded tees
A brace of sweatpants lacking knees
And a woolen sweater, rife with fleas
I finds I must transports

As manly heart anticipates the finding of a laundromat queen
Perhaps a Vida Guerra clone
Or Jennifer Lawrence all alone
Or Charlotte McKinney, sans cell phone*
But it doesn't seem to be my day, none such are here, I ween.

When it comes to laundromatic love it seems I am "stuff" out of luck,
For the only lass who toils within
Sports globular frame and trebular chin
And more body hair than Rin Tin Tin
Much like Rosanne Barr with a silly grin, had her face impacted a truck.


*So she can't call for help.

This load is definitely ready for the dryer

AIN'T SHE CUTE?

Hi ho for a day at the Laundromat, it's one of my favorite sports!
No wondering where the yellow went, it's there in my threadbare shorts.
My holy socks turn the water dark, and my whitish clothes as well,
I doubt that they ever do get clean but at least they no longer smell.

I spend the drying time hitting on the hot chick from Guatermeller,
But who is the dude with the machete blade, he seems quite an irritable feller?

CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?

 

Hey, calm down Bud how am I to know that the hot chick is your wife?
No need for thuggery, mayhem and gore nor all other forms of strife!



Well. In all my years at the laundromat I've learned to wash out mud.
Food stains and paint and litter box taint, and now I can tackle blood.
When next I visit the laundromat I'll leave Guatemalan chicks alone
Cause the blood I must wash from my tattered clothes?
All of it is my own.

BUTTZVILLE NJ, WHERE YOU CAN LEAVE IT ALL BEHIND YOU

Man where does the time go?

Already, the fourth, yes I said FOURTH annual Best Butts in Buttzville Festival is hard upon us. All day and night, Saturday August 28th the sidewalks, streets, parks and by-ways of Buttzville will throng with resplendent rumps, puissant posteriors, gargantuan glutes, bodacious booties, titanic tushies and all around great asses!

Do not miss this world famous event! 

OOOOH!

AHHHHH!

YIKES!

YUMMMM!

   

SOMETIMES THE BEAR EATS YOU!

Make your plans and buy your tickets, Best Butts in Buttzville comes but once a year!

An Afternoon at Gannet Hill Park

What did ye see at Gannet, Janet,
Down there in the hollow?
A big old balding eagle, Janet?
Or was it just a swallow?
What saw you there, beneath the tree
When the little hand was on the three,
And the big right hand was on your knee?
And what consequence did follow?

Prepare to Board!

I knew a man, he was my lodger,
He used to fly the Jolly Rodger
And all who sailed he would despoil
From Nassau Town to old Port Royal
But Port Royal vanished 'neath the sea
And Nassau fell, a victory
Of British arms.

Tortuga too, had lost its charms
As a haven for Brethren of the Coast
But ere my boarder gave up his ghost
He hired a ship and took to sea
With corsairs nigh as aged as he
And took a Spanish treasure barque
And what had started as a lark
Became the fortune of them all

So long ago, but I recall,
The largess of this ancient rogue
Who now, long gone, must fry in hell.
But while among us? Tipped real well.

The Depressurization of Tom Brady's Balls

 
Tom Brady's balls were firm and hard and thus difficult to clutch
He tried smearing them with sticky stuff, (it didn't help that much)
Tom did some research and he discovered, (Imagine his elation)
That he could grip his balls just right with just the right deflation

And when he gripped his balls just right he could throw them down the field
To all of his receivers wide, and force the foe to yield
But the NFL drew up a rule and it's enforcement strongly urge-ed
That balls may not be placed in play unless they're fully turgid.

Tom really tried to find a way to ease the pressure in his balls
And wandered through his rooms by day and nightly through his halls
He called upon the football Gods to drain his balls real good
But only his mate , a super model, heard (and misunderstood)

And so she lay in wait for Tom and did so not in vain
And each time Tommy hove in view his balls she'd truly drain
Now Tom's accused of cheating by football, not Gisele
And they may not even let him play; consigned to football hell

"Be careful what you wish for", I heard poor Tommy say
For with his balls so truly drained he's far too tired to play.