YES, THERE IS A BUTTZVILLE!

And on Saturday, August 28th, 2021 there will be hijinks and tomfoolery, not to mention much fun in Buttzville, New Jersey It's the annual "Best Butts in Buttsville Competition", known worldwide for it's cheeky antics.

Will Australian supermodel Sophie Turner be butting in on the festivities? 

The only way to find out is to be there yourself! So bring your butt to Buttsville, NJ, Saturday August 28th and get to the bottom of the matter!

 

John Holmes is dead, but I have heard it said,

He used to walk the nude beach getting tanned,

He'd shoot the crowd a moon,

Then amble 'cross each dune,

Behind him leaving three tracks in the sand.

Poor John is dead, a casket for his bed,

But rigor mortis settled in his hose,

In the lid we'll bore a hole,

And through it thread his pole,

Or else we'll never get the damned thing closed.

 

SCHRODINGER'S CAT

When 'ere I'm reminded of Schrodinger's cat,

I cannot but wonder where the wee fellow's at.

Is he locked in the box and thus cattily bitchin'?

Or is he at large, lapping cream in the kitchen?

Is he digging a cat-hole out back by the fence?

Or hanging by tail from a tree in suspense?

Is he live? Is he dead?

Is he single or wed?

   Has he kittens or not?   

              

Is he cold? Is he hot?

                                              

                        I believe he's just fine, and not dead as I'd feared,                                         

                        But that Schrodinger guy? He is just flippin' weird!                                   

Brussels Sprouts!

SPROUTS FROM BRUSSELS!

Don't you just love 'em? I know I do!

SPROUTS

Brussels sprouts for breakfast, Brussels sprouts for lunch,
Sprouties served with iced champagne to make the perfect brunch!
Boiled and drowned in butter, or juiced to make a punch,
Brussels sprouts the tasty treat that I just love to munch!

Now I love to have a pet around but not a cat or dog,
Don't want no flop-eared bunny, or fat pot bellied hog.
My sprout plant does not need a walk and never gives me fleas,
Just lots of tender Brussels sprouts and I call her Louise!

LOUISE! (AND FRIENDS)

Sprouties by the bowl full, sprouties by the plate,
I'd like to have a buck for every Brussels sprout I've ate.
When I take my final dirt bath, just so there are no doubts...
Plant me in a steamer trunk well packed in Brussels sprouts

And that should be more than enough of that.

Weenies!

 THE TUBULAR STEAK

YUM!

I'm gonna have some weenies,
Right this very minute.
Gonna grease a pan and fry some weenies in it!

And if I don't get too flustered

There will be some kraut and mustard

And possibly some cheese
(Hear my arteries yellin' "Please!")
And I may just do some butterin'
To get my doctor mutterin'
Gonna have some weenies now!

Are you ready for "Best Butts in Buttzville" day?

OF COURSE IT'S A REAL PLACE!

A Best Butts in Buttzville celebration falls on the first Saturday following August 27th unless August 27th itself is a Saturday in which case the 27th is the Holiday.

This year the great event falls on September 1.

It takes place in the unincorporated town of Buttzville, in groovy western New Jersey. It may be reached from routes 46, 31 and I-80.

The town features a hot dog stand,

THAT'S IT

And a post office,

USED TO BE A GAS STATION

And not one whole heck of a lot more. Except for lots of great butts in late summer.

There is a rumor that Kim Kardashian has her Christmas cards mailed from this office, just for the post mark but I cannot confirm this.

The day itself is an unabashed celebration of the worlds greatest butts.

NOOOOOOO!

Not a sackbutt although I'm sure if one were to show up everyone would be pleased to see a Renaissance era saxophone. 

But the founders had this sort of butt in mind.

YIKES!

Yes that is correct. It seems peculiar that this tiny backwater community would host the worlds foremost celebration of attention grabbing glutes but this is in fact the case. Come and see for yourself!

Just don't bring these!

YUCK!

None of these are welcome, although I'm sure folks will litter . Some people just can't help themselves.

BUT THIS IS MORE APPROPRIATE

There might be a few butts of ale and beer around to slake the thirst of the sun parched horde, it would not be surprising if there were. (Although there is no guarantee!)

MIGHT EVEN BE A HOGSHEAD OR TWO, BUT LET'S NOT BE CRITICAL OF OUR BRETHREN AND CISTERN

Buttsville is a kind of red-neckity town with it's fair share of self sufficient bow hunting types so shooting at the butts, (an archaic word for "target") is not out of the question.

OBVIOUSLY A GREAT SHOT

HOPE IT ISN'T RAINING

There may even be some butts shooting at the butts, one never do know, do one?

Great butts are where you find them, the many tourists attending are always eager to flaunt their own, but check out the many, occasional shop or business in Buttsville.

I'm not certain if there is a gun shop in  Buttzville,

LOCKED AND LOADED

Or a laundromat,

INSERT YOUR OWN SPIN CYCLE COMMENT HERE

Or a pistol range for that matter.

KA-BOOM!

It is your responsibility to find out!

So get YOUR butt over to Buttsville on Saturday September 1, or YOU may become...(drum roll),

The butt of every joke for the next year!

Johann Elert Bode just doesn't get enough credit these days

Whilst seated upon the commode,
An astronomer, Johann Elert Bode
Found a celestial law
Which had nary a flaw
Which he phrased in the form of an ode.

Each planet you see is removed from the sun
By a distance twice farther than the preceeding one
Not a half, I lament
Not three hundred percent
But just twice! (Now isn't this fun?)